Ditton FC (Current Super League Champions)

Sam Shephard: Captain of the successful outfit & a player with his whole darts future behind him. Big Kingstonian FC fan who doesn't play as much as he used to, for which chalkers are extremely grateful after he accidentally took out the Club's electrical system with a poorly aimed dart last year.

Jimmy Mann: Rising star & a legend in his own imagination. A green keeper by trade (a career he shares with Tony O'Shea) his handicap is being a Chelsea fan! Expect him to make a big impression on the PDC rankings ... as soon as he can drag himself away from the bar that is!

Jason Roberts: Another who is making an assault on the PDC competitions. He is nicknamed JR ... not because of his initials, but because he once struck oil when cleaning his frying pan one Sunday morning!

Lionel Sams: Everyone has heard of Lionel from his TV performances. Little do they know, though, that an anagram of his name is 'I am one lass'* - I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions! (*well, nearly)

Ronnie Stubbs: Stick-like Ronnie gets extremely irked by being labelled 'The Fag' owing to his tobacco-linked surname, so I won't labour the point. When he lights up though, he's hard to stub out - he's a 60 a throw man who, when he's smoking, can really hit those finishes.

Keith Holmes: A big man with big muscles & big fists ... a lovely bloke, I've not a bad word to say about him!

John Ferrell: Known as the Joker - I don't know why as I tried to stuff him into a pack of cards the other day & he didn't fit! Has a habit of killing budgies.

Mark Tiller: Now known as 'Tiller the Ton' - used to be Tiller the Hun till we found out he wasn't actually from Germany ... just looked like it.

Spike Harris: A huge critic of Toe The Oche Online & rightly so considering the nonsense that gets spouted here. His real first name is Mark, but he was nicknamed Spike for his habit of slashing the tyres of those that beat him on the dart board ... no wonder then that he has fared well in competitions in recent years.

Mick Taffurelli: Reserve - owns a chain of Italian Cappucino outlets in the West End. Catchphrase: "What a mistake-a-ta-make-a!"

Golden Lion (Current Runners-Up)

Peter Munt: Captain of the side with the throwing pace of a handicapped snail. Appeared in several Swedish Erotica porn movies in the 70's & still sports his trademark blonde moustache.

Richie Blake: Wise-cracking star of the team. Recently changed career from fixing holes in the road to building houses ... so if you see an advert for a 'much sought after property with gch & 70' tarmac-ed garden', you'll know who helped build it

Grant Firmager: Great player with a good knowledge of the dogs. Has given plenty of winning tips to Surrey darts players over the years. Just split up with a partner he first met after she won the 8:10 at Wimbledon in 1997.

Gary Bullen: Individual average Champion two years ago. If you meet Gary, you may think that you recognise him, but it will just be an illusion as he was the model for Penfold in the classic 'Danger Mouse' animated series. Catchphrase: "Cor Blimey DM!"

Ray Smith: Better known as Batty (or The Bat) as he has a strange fetish for drinking human blood. He once drained three professionals in a row after being beaten by all three in a top competition ... ever wondered why you don't hear much about Tony Brown, Dave Lee & Alan Glazier anymore? ... now you know!

Clive Guest: Appetite like a horse - you can guess what they call him! Don't believe his claims that it's because he's hung like one.

Gary Creamer: Some bloke from Croydon who played a few games for Surrey - about 150 I believe ... not that many noticed him.

Lee Smyth: Surrey Youth prospect that is looking to break into the Senior squad. He's got a superb game, but terrible table manners. Apparently, at a recent society dinner, he passed the Port to the RIGHT! Christ on a bike! That's never going to be tolerated in leafy Surrey!

Mick Merry: Smiles a lot

Brian Horman: Lion utility player. He doesn't get utilised much, but when he does, his utility is very useful.

Golden Lion A

Benson: So good they named him once. Word has it that his first name is Keith, but I don't want to venture an opinion on that in this day & age of spurious court cases, considering he was born before birth certificates were mandatory.

Garry Bravery: Brave by name & brave by nature - only someone with guts like Garry could possibly put himself up for disappointment like he does EVERY week.

Steve Lovett: Came as a freebie with Garry Bravery. Same sort of player ... but better!

Andy Gillam: Doesn't everyone love the big cuddly guy? One of the nicest people in the entire Super League. Adults love him ... he tends to scare children though.

Paul Ardley: Another guy of which I find it hard to make a valid critique owing to his huge size - I understand he was the inspiration for the film "The Iron Giant". Beware of Paul as he has eyes that follow you round the room. Which is funny as he's no oil painting ... boom boom!

Alan Thorpe: A cracker of a player! The fireworks really start when he's on the oche. When he's on his game, there's not many that can hold a Roman Candle to him. If he loses it's cos the Guy Fawkes it up! OK, in-joke, e-mail for gory details!

Anthony Hopkins: Another youngster who is looking to make his way in the world of cut-throat darts. Has won many Titles at youth level, but at the expense of a misspent youth ... he forgot to learn how to tie his shoelaces!

David Webb: Spiderman to his teammates ... nothing to do with his surname, he's just a creepy crawler!

Jon Dumpleton: The original inspiration for the nursery rhyme "Diddle Diddle Dumpling My Son Jon", hence his nickname Dumpling or Dimples. He changed his surname to DumpleTON when he hit his first hundred. He has since learned to dress himself, so not only does he no longer got to bed "with his trousers on" he can now go to the pub without "one shoe off & one shoe on"

Hersham

Andy Nye: Founder of the team & a player who possesses exceptional talent but terrible hair.

Phil Milburn: Known as Spewy for his propensity for abdominal upsets on long journeys. He is Andy Nye's right hand man ... that is, he paints the nails on Andy's right hand. The left hand man position is currently being advertised in the Jobcentre.

Trevor Nash: Think Chris Mason but smaller, younger & not as good & you won't be far from the truth.

Dean Archer: Dean has been around for a while & has gone by the nickname of "Dangerous Dean" in the past. Now called "Bloody Awful Dean" for some unknown reason.

Larry Lee: As the name suggests, Larry is not so much a dart player as the team's lounge singer. His claim to fame is the fact that he once supported Joe Longthorne on a summer season in Minehead ... he was fourth on the bill, just before Bill Bancroft & his performing ferrets.

Colin Wilson: A neighbour of Andy Nye who is still being selected because Andy prefers that to returning Colin's lawnmower.

Ivan Turner: Known as Ivan the Terrible as he once accidentally committed genocide on a massive amount of civilians while on holiday in Montenegro. Not a bad dart player though ... if you can keep him from impaling the Club regulars on stakes that is!

Cameron Barlow: Has had a successful first season despite being named after characters from Take the High Road & Coronation Street.

Paul Valentine: Started the season as a regular but has disappeared of late, fuelling rumours of his being abducted by aliens. Expect him to turn up again in 2009 with a pained expression on his face, babbling on about anal probes.

Jubilee Club

Chris Gallagher: Founder of the team & an inveterate gambler. He once gambled the Captaincy of the team in a game of 7 card brag. Much to his dismay he won!

Phil Smith: Long-serving Surrey player who bears an uncanny resemblance to Anne Robinson when dressed as a woman. The fact we know this should give you a clue as to some of his dubious activities.

Dudley Smith: A player who has appeared in both County A & B teams in his time. A stiff actioned player who is known as Jaffa ... I can't imagine why, can you?

Mick Lyford: A big character with a big appetite. His darts have been improving, but it's still just a sideline to his main sport. You'll find him in the Guinness Book of Records under "Eating Achievements".

Mark Budd: Stocky & consistent, but so very unlucky with the draw. He manages to play against the Man of the Match almost every week! Currently studying Voodoo & Tarot as all other avenues to stem the tide have ended in disappointment.

Alan Crook: The walking clothes horse has been contracted to the Yves St Laurent stable for this year's Fashion Show circuit. He is the chief attraction in displaying the summer collection entitled "Down at the Working Mens Club"

Dave Crook: Son of Alan. Sister of Angela. Definitely NOT "The Daddy"

Stuart Langhorn: A lovely guy who has many friends in the game. Fairly easy to beat ... I suppose that could explain his popularity?

Mick Campion: Known as the Cobra or the Hypnotist for his capacity to win games that he shouldn't. I'd give you some juicy gossip about him but for some reason I feel quite sleepy!

Metropole

Paul Humphreys: Captain of the most far-flung team in Surrey. They are so far removed from the other teams in the League that some players still believe they don't actually exist. Paul is an official of Hampshire County so therefore is the enemy. Surrey's intelligence services are currently tapping his phone.

Alan Yates: Arguably the best player in the team but his form can vary. As is to be expected from the more rural Surrey players, he is interested in farming.

Gary Eastwood: A young prospect who has a devastating game when on form. Known as Dirty Gary because of his Clint-like surname. Interested in farming.

Andy Waugh: A player who has come through the Surrey youth ranks & was very good at one time. Then he wasn't very good & is now getting good again. Work prevents him from playing for the County these days. I think he's a farmer.

Joe Pawley: A Berkshire county player who has 'retired' on more than one occasion. Is interested in farming.

Neville Wright: A recent addition to the Surrey County team & was an instant success, gaining Man of the Match in his first match & staying in the A team ever since. He is the toast of his farm.

Simon Miles: Simon is a very decent player who does all the administrative work for his team. He learned to cope with the paperwork & figures when doing his work experience as a young farmhand.

Wayne Thurlow: Ex-Surrey player who is interested in farming.

Dave Kerr: Looks like a soldier & he could be as the team is from Deepcut where the barracks are ... but he's probably interested in farming as well.

Jeff Moline: The legendary Jeff doesn't get much chance in the team as he doesn't really fit in, being into Ski-Jumping as he is. Has had trouble this year defending the 'bottom of the averages' Title of which he has been the winner for the past two seasons. Is currently doing a home study course in farming to bolster his profile in the squad.

Rhodrons

Paul Townsend: Captain of the team & the only Super League player to have featured in the Lord of the Rings, his nickname being 'Frodo'. His ring is apparently much sought after!

Paul Moreton: Has had a great season in his first Super League campaign. More successful than the Scottish football team from which he takes his name.

Chris Forbes: Known as Tubes because of his resemblance to the Soccer AM character. Asks silly questions & aims at the wires rather than the board. Mad as a March Hare!

Mickey Eden: Manchester Utd Fan who used to have a season ticket at Old Trafford ... along with the other million who claimed the same. Damn that must have been a big stadium!

Dave Lim: Namesake of the guy who hit the only Lakeside 9 darter. Known as 'Limbo' because his averages can shuffle under a very low bar!

John Bridge: Used to be good. Disappeared. Came Back. Was good again. Is now OK. Owns a belly that balances his frame perfectly.

Darryl Pilgrim: Youth player who is adept at cheating in online polls. Was recently voted "Surrey Youth Player most likely to Succeed" in an online poll ... unsurprisingly!

Mark Tomlin: Big guy who does a mean disco. I suppose if he's on that side of the flashing lights we don't have to see him dance!

Stuart Peplow: Known as 'Holepunch' for his habit of reducing even the firmest of walls into dust when he's provoked. Currently not playing for the team as he's been seconded to test the durability of products in a brick factory.

Walton Working Mens Club

Tim Stedman: Fiercely competitive Player/Manager of the side who has been compared to Alex Ferguson in the past … not because of his tactics, it’s his wearied expression that prompts the comparison!

Ritchie Gardner: Sid Waddell’s favourite fast thrower. Throws very light darts but is a heavier frame these days!

John Watson: Hits straight tons with startling regularity. Rumour has it he built a barbecue for his neighbour as he was told there was a hundred in it for him.

Aaron Turner: Ex-Youth Champ now turning his thoughts to PDC Comps. Aaron was Elvis’ middle name & the name of Noah’s brother, but Turner doesn’t sing & has never built a boat.

Roy Turner: Aaron’s dad who has also never built a boat … does a mean Val Doonican karaoke though, allegedly.

Jason Kelly: Surrey County Captain & ex-army pin-up boy. Likes wearing tight shorts.

Roger Kitching: You always know gnome-like Roger’s around when you hear his catchphrase “Hahahahaha, yuk yuk yuk, chortle giggle guffaw”

Phil Wathen: Big man with a big reputation for winning big money events. Don’t play him for a tenner is my tip.

Graham Hollis: The most downloaded name on the Surrey darts web-site. His eyebrows are legendary; one was used as a prop in the Basil Brush show for years … as the tail!

Paul Hollis: Graham’s little brother, little being the operative word.

Steve Catt: Catt by name, pussycat by nature. Works in a timber yard, but hasn’t been felled by many players this year (groan!)

Dennis Wheeler: Perennial reserve who plays when the team are shorter than Roger Kitching sitting on a toadstool

Worcester Park Athletic

Jim Cullip: The 'Walrus' has just regained a County place that he lost after his one dreadful appearance in 1990. 15 years in the making, his first County win was greeted with considerable glee by the Surrey faithful. Jim just clapped very loudly & swallowed the mackerel they threw him.

Martin Cullip: Incredibly attractive son of the Walrus. A magnet for the Ladies & a truly perfect human being (editor's note: this profile was written by an independent three man panel paid for by ME!)

Nick Holman: New father Nick has the capability to beat the best. He doesn't use that capability much but that's not the point. He's capable if he uses his capability. Cleans carpets for a living & earns a 'pile'

Geoff Nuttall: The team's northern import. Rides a big motorbike to excessive speed ... much to the dismay of his whippet that is usually tied to the rear mudguard.

Ashley Smith: The league's only international, being a Fijian national hero as he is. Is coming on leaps & bounds after he was taught that the darts should be thrown & not ejected through a blow-pipe with a tip dipped in Curare!

John Skehan: Irish man who revels in playing for Surrey. He doesn't work for Wimpey & has never seen Riverdance, but boy can he neck the Guinness, so his roots are quite evident.

Bill Kennedy: Known affectionatly as 'Billy the Fish' ... he gets nervous around the Walrus!

Alan Lawrence: New signing for the Worcester Park outfit with a dodgy line in darts shirts. Quite a lively man, but it wasn't until he'd played in a top which exhibited 'Looney Tunes' characters that it was realised just how animated he is!

Darren Gale: Kitchen fitter who used to be a real prospect until he looked like he would sink without trace. If he can tap into his old form, he can return to the days when he was a dangerous PDC member ... can hob knob with the stars but needs a lard of practice!

Peter Manley: Who?

Princess

Phil Gallagher: Captain of the side who throws his darts extremely hard. Once impaled a Greene King delivery man in the car park after one of his tungstens went through the wall & still carried enough force to penetrate a Ford Transit windscreen.

John Comer: Wildly enthusiastic mainstay of the team. Swaggers like John Wayne in 'True Grit', possesses confidence akin to Yul Brynner in 'The Magnificent Seven', wins as often as a baddie in a western!

Keith Williams: The first person to be known as 'Wilf' since the weird orange-haired scientist in 'Vision On'

John Collins: Gave his name to a cocktail, despite those that play him neither being shaken nor stirred.

Waine Hautot: Looks like Tyrone from Corrie, if he had a dog called Monica he'd be a dead ringer ... but he hasn't.

Gary Hautot: Waine is his son - Gary really IS "the Daddy"!

Paul Hennessy: Hmmm, there's a fine cognac that goes by the name of Hennessy but it's nothing to do with Paul. He did, however, make a nice homebrew for his family for Christmas 1989 ... Auntie Pauline has nearly regained the use of her legs.

Mark Richmond: How could Mark be at the bottom of this list? Great player. Plays for the Princess because of an accident of location.

St Peters

Peter Arnold: When he remembers to bring his darts, he's awesome. When he doesn't he gets mentioned in Darts World. Life's a tightrope ain't it?

Ray Elnaugh: Ray is a School Caretaker by profession. Has recently been playing for the County side ... which is handy as when the weekend's over, the venue gets cleaned properly!

Phil Brindley: Up & Coming player who is apparently dubbed Hitler for some reason. A bit harsh as he only invaded Poland the once & even then it was after a few too many Carling Extra Colds!

Steve Hayes: Another with a wholly inappropriate nickname. He's called 'Nervous' which is silly as it should be something like "Totally Petrified"!

Jon Stephenson Senior: Great player who has represented Surrey at numerous competitions. Wears a wig ... allegedly.

Jon Stephenson Junior: Son of Senior who doesn't wear a wig ... yet.

Andy Evans: Fell off the stage once & has now been cruelly dubbed "Weeble". Cruel as he's not round like a weeble (OK, maybe a bit) & he doesn't fall down much (well, I suppose once is enough). Unlike the toys, it wasn't even funny when he did fall over (yes it was). OK, OK, we'll accept the weeble tag is merited, but his darts aren't anything to laugh at (yes they are!)

Danny Chaplin: Is a publican but looks like a pirate ... may have something to do with the parrot on his shoulder (don't tell John Ferrell as he's a few short of a bird serial killer status).

Salfords

Mark McLaughlin: Captain of the team & disgraced County Chairman. Why a disgrace? He was pictured on the front cover of Darts World whilst asleep at the World Championships & he wears a bow tie atrociously!

Dave Askew: A legend in Surrey, not only because of his two World Semi-Final appearances, but also because he's the only player we know who is dedicated enough to have developed one shoulder bigger than the other.

Mike Vagg: If you need to park anywhere near Reigate this fella's yer man. He's still developing the gimpy leg to be a top NCP employee, but has perfected the saying "Oi mate! you can't park there!"

Richard McLaughlin: New prospect who is known as 'Jugs' ... and it's nothing to do with his HUGE ears ... honestly!!

Tom Eley: God, where do we start? His nickname is the Looney. I really haven't got the time to go into it. Suffice to say that you wouldn't want him as a neighbour ... you'd be laughing too much to earn a living!

Chris Jupp: Won a few games & is now a star, or so the name he embroidered on the back of his county shirt says anyway.

Andy Davies: New player who has played County elsewhere & looks like he could do the same for Surrey one day. Known as Welshie as he's from Wales. Staggeringly imaginative of his team-mates I think you'll agree.

Ronnie Godbeer: Quiet man with devastating darts. Shhhh! you might wake him up!