---

Well I Say, How Very Dare They?

There was an interesting section in the Cheshire programme for the Surrey visit at the beginning of November entitled “It’s a Load of Old Bull”. It was very funny, comprising as it did, three pages of good-natured ribbing of Cheshire players, a couple of personalised funnies, and the odd in-joke. The spotlight on Cheshire’s opponents (Surrey of course) was placed in this section.

It described Surrey as a county in which everyone is a millionaire. All Surrey girls were portrayed as being sophisticated, attractive, and products of a finishing school; the men handsome, debonair, suave and bedecked in cravat and straw boater. It went on to state that Pimms, Champers, fine Cubans and a copy of the FT are mere necessities in our green and leafy county.

Now, forgive me for being pedantic, but I must object on behalf of Surrey as this piece had no place being included in the mickey-taking part of the programme … seeing as it is completely accurate (Croydon excepted). A letter has been sent to The Times and the issue will be brought up as a matter of urgency in the bar of the Bullingdon Club next time we meet to debag Marquis Ffitch-Corset of Bilgewater. The only part remotely untrue was that I had been voted as Mayor of Surrey and was entitled to a free kebab from any outlet in the county. This was rather amusing as, of course, this privilege comes with the Title “Lord Protector of the Beluga and Chilli Sauce” and is hereditary, not voted for. Democracy is awfully common, is it not?

So, let’s jolly well get on with a description of the match then, what? It was quite a top-hole Saturday with honours shared in both the Ladies and the Mens matches, beginning with a couple of fine wins from our Gentleman farmers Gary Eastwood (23.86) & Man of the Match Alan Yates (25.15). Early wins in the Ladies edged Surrey ahead, with a second match award for unbeaten Club Heiress Lauren Hitchens (17.27), and a fine win for Helen Cullip (16.88). The gals broke out the Mouton-Rothschild Premier Cru a trifle early though, as Helen later fell asleep face-down in her rather fetching gold-inlaid Harvey Nicks’ handbag (see right).

Further spiffing wins followed from Sir Douglas Harwood (25.05), Lady Angela Frewin (14.72) and Paul Neate (24.89, a useful chap from that ghastly Middlesex who we allow to play as long as he polishes the silver and keeps his hands where we can see them). Carriages awaited and Surrey toddled off, level on the Saturday, in search of a Roux Brothers bistro (or somewhere that serves classier fare than pie and mushy peas).

Surrey were chauffeured back to the Rudheath venue on the Sunday to face somewhat stronger opposition. The Cheshire Mens A fellows, especially, were described as ‘darts thoroughbreds’, though our players were of the opinion that should such stock be produced from our Newmarket stables portfolio, we would have asked for a return of the stud fee.

Our northern hosts certainly put Surrey to the sword though, with our fair county gaining about as many hits as the visually-impaired geriatric Croydon oik Benson managed the last time we allowed him to Clay Pigeon shoot at Algernon ‘Algy’ Stoat-Smythe’s country estate.

Apylee Jones (25.91) served up a performance as elegant as a Jimmy Choo diamante-encrusted stiletto to take the Ladies match award, whilst Julie Austin (15.21, pictured right) continued her Surrey renaissance with another win in a 2-4 defeat for the Ladies A. Our Mens A suffered another 2-10 loss in the uncouth northern wilderness as they had been subjected to in Yorkshire in September, with only Mark ‘Spike’ Harris (28.52) and the sparkling Ian Long (29.69) avoiding defeat.

So Surrey were overcome 23-13 and there was much to discuss between Captain Jason Kelly (retired) and Earl Anthony Cartwright-Hopkins as they quaffed their 80 year old Armagnac and enjoyed Chateaubriand in the limousine back to the home counties. However, the next day at the Polo Club, there was optimism as it was revealed that with two brutal away excursions out of the way, Surrey were still only 4 points into the relegation places, and still ahead of those awfully civilised chaps and chapesses from Cambridgeshire.

We are still hopeful that we shall avoid relegation, and should that be the case, Cheshire programme writer Jed Harris will be welcomed to our venue next season … though we shall of course deny him access to the officials’ gold leaf and marble decorated washroom, out of protest.

Obituary: Gene Raymond

With great sadness, we must report that ex-Surrey and England player Gene Raymond passed away on 12th October after a lengthy illness.

Gene was a member of the National Title winning Surrey side in the 80s before going on to represent England on four occasions, gaining Man of the Match for his country twice. Whilst still a playing member for Surrey, Gene became a successful county Team Manager before moving to Spain in the early 90s and then to the USA, returning recently to Camber in Sussex.

All that knew Gene remember him as a genuinely warm and friendly man who will be sorely missed. Gene leaves his wife Kim, a daughter Emily, and sons Lee and John.

*** For All the Up-To-Date Surrey News, Log On the www.toe-the-oche.co.uk ***