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An Invitation Innovation

The first task of the Surrey Column this month is to apologise for there being … err … no Surrey Column last month. Believe me, it was noticed, and the complaint came flooding in (from my Dad).

OK, in reality, the absence of our little corner of Darts World was probably about as noticeable as when the Invisible Man murdered the Invisible Woman (the Police arrived and announced “move away, there’s nothing to see here”). However, this column was represented in another way last month as it finally moved someone enough to comment on its content to the Letters Page … pointing out inaccuracies! Notoriety at last! Just another 237 letters and we’ll have matched the infamy of Pro Life!

The letter by Ian McMullen correctly pointed out that I wrongly accredited Wayne Mardle’s defeat at the Sheppey Classic to Jimmy Mann, when that honour actually belonged to Dan Martin of Ashford. My apologies to both Ian and Dan, I’m afraid that I rely heavily on information conveyed to me by others and that particular correspondent has since been trussed using duct tape and hung upside down from my apple tree to be feasted on by a rather hungry flock of starlings that annually turn the garden into a scene from ‘The Birds’ once the fruit starts to appear!

Anyway, seeing as the readers of this column number more than my immediate family these days, an explanation for last month’s missing Column is in order. Quite simply, it’s summer innit? I mean, not a lot goes on locally & regular readers will remember previous items on these pages which consisted of made-up fantasies involving fictional BBC News 24 reports by Anna Ford, and flights of fancy about what Graham Hollis (see further down) would look like with a knotted hankie on his head!

A solution to the summer void in the Home Counties may have been discovered though, as Surrey Mens Team Manager, Tony Cartwright, hit on the superb idea of an Invitational Inter-County Event, the first of which was held at Epsom on Sunday 15th July. Invitations were sent out with a view to attracting eight County sides, comprising of 8 men & 5 ladies, to compete in a Champions Cup style format … and we’d have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for them meddling IDPA kids!

Unfortunately, the IDPA coincidentally scheduled their excellent Lakeside Classic event on the same day, and with the popular Midland Open also taking place that day, entries were hard to come by. However, eight sides eventually competed with Surrey making up the deficit with a B & C team plus a team of youth players.

Early reports have shown that this will prove to be a popular event as the counties who contested this inaugural summer darts-fest commented very favourably on the proceedings. On a day interspersed with bright sunshine and heavy downpours, it was warming to see the representatives of Beds, Bucks, Berks, Middlesex and Surrey all inter-mingling so freely and enjoying a bit of Inter-County competition and banter that is rare in the close season.

Beds & Bucks were unfortunate to meet Surrey A & Middlesex respectively in going out in the first round, whilst Berkshire ousted Surrey B to also make the Semis where they met Surrey C who had knocked out the Surrey Youth side. Surrey A then beat Middlesex to make the Final, where they outshone the Berkshire side to take the event and the £700 first prize.

There has already been firm interest from two of this year’s participants in being included next year and there is talk of it perhaps becoming a moveable feast with the host venue being shared amongst the various counties, so hopefully this is one fixture that will become a hardy annual … which will be much welcomed by this particular columnist as it could help rule out an article, to fill the gap this time next year, about the various food available at Surrey Mens Super League venues (oh, hold on, I’ve done that before!).

The League of Gentlemen?

Without wishing to attract more Letters Page contributions, a certain grimy subject, well-discussed on internet darts forums, is hard to ignore from a Surrey perspective, this being the Gold Cup experience of our first-time representative Mark Richmond.

For those not familiar with this, it involves Mark’s entire involvement being restricted to just the one winning leg before he was disqualified from the event, at the request of his high-profile International opponent, for the heinous crime of taking a sip from a glass of Diet Coke. Considering the level of disgust from Surrey circles, it is impossible to omit the occurrence from these pages, especially as Mark, being a first-time competitor, was unaware of the non-drinking rule, and unable to hear the one prior tannoy announcement as it was issued during the Ladies’ event when Mark was in the other hall practising. Offers to forfeit the leg in question were refused by his opponent and that was that as far as Mark’s long, eager and excited trip to Bridlington was concerned.

It is to be hoped that this rule, so shamefully abused in this case, which also excludes the intake of water (surely a health & safety issue) will be hastily redrawn at the BDO AGM which, at time of writing, is just two days away.

Just to re-iterate the ire that was felt by Surrey players and supporters, I was at a car boot sale in Raynes Park, but was made acutely aware of the sordid proceedings while wading round stalls offering Kylie videos and boxes of unwanted McDonalds happy meal toys. Four quick succession phone calls arrived (three more than noticed last month’s missing column … d’oh!) angrily detailing the events at the venue. The irony of our player being discarded like so much boot sale tat wasn’t lost on me.

He’s Caught in a Trap!

And finally, a quick mention for the recent 50th birthday of a Surrey legend. Those who read the Surrey web-site (address below) may be familiar with Graham Hollis, a regular target for the scurrilous hack who writes the weekly Super League newsletter, ‘Toe The Oche’.

Graham’s birthday bash saw a host of Surrey connections turning up for the 70s themed event wearing a collection of afro wigs, hippy outfits, flares and worse! Graham himself, for some reason, chose to don an outfit that was a cross between the 70s Elvis and the Tango Man. He was pictured in the outfit and this has been sent to Darts World. Whether they print it or not, I understand, depends on whether they consider it to contravene obscenity laws.

For the record, the picture shows Graham pointing at the camera & saying something, which the Surrey Column can exclusively reveal was “If you use this in ‘Toe The Oche’ I’ll murder you” … perish the thought Graham, perish the thought.

*** For All the Up-To-Date Surrey News, Log On the www.toe-the-oche.co.uk ***