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Trick or Treat! Demons on the Doorstep

Are you ready for Halloween? Now call me cynical and maybe a tad bitter that my age precludes me from ever having taken part in this particular American imported festival, but I’m not a great fan of the nights toward the end of October. Having the local kids knocking on the door, asking for treats with the sinister implied threat of one of Brock’s Finest Rockets being thrust through the letterbox should a polite rejection be offered, isn’t exactly my cup of tea. As such, I am very well prepared this year & have a large bowl in my hallway already filled … with half a pound of Semtex & extra bottles of fuel for the flamethrower (please don’t try this at home. Ed)

However, I do try to see things from the other side and Surrey’s start to the Inter-County season has given an insight into what it is like to terrorise one’s neighbours, as our teams have managed to do with two solid victories against bordering counties London & Sussex … and we didn’t even have to dress up as gruesome monsters to do it (although with some of our players you could be forgiven for thinking the opposite).

London couldn’t come up with the goodies so we stole everything we could lay our hands on. Likewise, Sussex were obstinate which resulted in our having to use the ultimate ‘trick’ of hitting them with a host of ton plus finishes, in the same manner as ‘orrible Johnny from number 16 would think nothing of liberally coating your newly pebble-dashed façade with a dozen Asda free range.

Put quite simply, Surrey have been getting scary with our opposition so far this season … and we haven’t used the ultimate weapon of Mens A Captain Jason Kelly’s CD Collection yet!

The first day of the season could barely have gone better on our visit to The Edge in London as the Ladies B drew 3-3, with Helen Cullip (16.54) taking the Lady of the Match honour, before the Mens B further took advantage of a Hammer Horror show on the doubles from London to win 9-3. Nick Holman (25.01), our very own Frankenstein’s monster (built in Morden & the product of a very warped mind), earned the match award which will look good on the mantelpiece next to his tin of spare bolts.

The Sunday saw a determined whitewash for the Ladies A, with Surrey debutante Laura Power (21.67) showing no ‘new team nerves’ in taking Lady of the Match as Surrey cruised to at least a share of the bonus points with all the Mens A matches to play. London then staged a late recovery to defeat the Mens A 9-3 but the weekend win was secured by Keith Holmes (23.12), before Carl Ramsey (25.60) smelt blood and got his scary fangs into his opponent to take Man of the Match for the Surrey visitors in a 21-15 weekend success.

The Sussex match produced a similar result, as our first home match of the campaign resulted in a 20-16 victory, not that it seemed likely on Saturday evening with Surrey trailing 8-10.

The collected Surrey faithful were head in hands paraphrasing Quasimodo early in the day, crying “The Belles, the Belles!”, as our Ladies B missed chances in going down 2-4, the highlight being ex-Berkshire import Mel Henry (16.10) ending the match on a high note to take Lady of the Match. The Mens B kept the weekend scores close with a 6-6 draw which exploded into action in the second game with an electric Man of the Match display by Terry Dersley (28.90), followed by Captain ‘Frankie’ Holman (27.83) again acting the beast to put us 4-1 up at one point.

The Sunday came & the Ladies A looked to be capable of emulating their 6-0 win a fortnight before as they raced into a 4-0 lead, the manner of which was remarkable with Chrissy Skehan (20.54) checking out on 167 to confirm her point, and Laura Power (23.12) eclipsing Apylee Jones (22.77) again to earn her second Lady of the Match of the season with a last leg 13 darter.

With the final Ladies score 4-2 and the match level, things just got better as the Mens A put on their best Michael Jackson impression to ‘thrill us more than any ghoul could ever dare try’ with a plethora of match-winning outshots. Steve Lovett (30.06) took Man of the Match with a 122 finish, whilst Spike Harris also ended his game on a high with a 119 shot, Keith Holmes with 103 & Ray Smith with 135 as well as a healthy helping of big kills from both sides at other times in their stage time, the final result being an 8-4 success for the home side. For the ecstatic Surrey followers, this was almost as satisfying as sticking the garden hose through the letterbox & drenching the spotty kid from number 7 before he has a chance to even get his can of silly string out of his pocket (I repeat, please don’t try this at home. Ed.)!

Having been devilish to our local counties to put ourselves 3rd in the Division 1 table, Surrey now look to spread the terror further afield with the visit of Lincolnshire in the next match. We’ll have the darting stink bombs ready & will be hoping to stick a metaphorical rotten fish down the Lincolnshire drain … and with little Chucky from ‘Childs Play’, aka Roger Kitching, in our side, how can the visitors fail to be terrified?

… Like A Bat Out Of Waterloo

One thing that always seems odd when we play London is the fact that almost the only method of getting to the match is public transport, and when travelling in a group, there’s always going to be one for whom the journey will prove problematic.

This year it was Ray “The Bat” Smith. As you can see from the picture, ‘Batty’ isn’t the most aerodynamic of characters but on the way to London, he was as swift as Linford Christie, as he raced gazelle-like down the station steps to jump on a train just as the doors closed behind him.

Unfortunately, his travelling companions had decided not to get on that particular train & they watched his all-of-a-sudden lonely, despairing face pressed up against the glass, as he was slowly carried away from the platform towards Vauxhall.

Ray is currently undergoing therapy to rid himself of the memory of seeing five of his team-mates crying with laughter, much to the amusement of a whole carriage of train users.

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