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Surrey Not So Glum as Glam are Rocked

That feeling has finally returned. And it returned as Glamorgan Chairman, Wayne Williams, characteristically raced through his post-match speech in the style of one of those guys who used to recite Hamlet’s soliloquy in 3.4 seconds on Roy Castle’s Guinness Book of Records show.

For most of the season, Surrey’s players had been in the doldrums. For months, County weekends were being greeted with a sigh rather than a click of the heels; there was talk of relegation and a dreaded look at some of the potential journeys that may await in Division 2. We’d already sold little Roger Kitching into slavery to pay for the coach to Cornwall; the away match at Cumbria was financed by Mike Vagg stripping at hen parties, but how were we going to pay for the trip to Bucks? There were so many asking if it was worth the effort and looking suicidal, that the home venue, Epsom Legion, had taken to hiding the cutlery & buying in plastic replacements!

And then it happened. A Sunday performance of high quality against promotion-chasing Glamorgan that re-invigorated the County, restored the team spirit & reminded everyone present as to why they strove to reach County standard in the first place. As Mr Williams doled out the visitors’ match awards quicker than an over-eager MacDonalds drive-in window operator can throw out the Big Macs, there was jubilation in the air from the Surrey players. Everyone had stayed to the end, the talk was of the darts and not of who was going to pawn their jewellery for a new practice board, the birds were singing, the sun was shining … OK, let’s leave it there.

Of course, it was all a pipe dream on Saturday evening as Surrey had managed to throw away a great start from the Ladies B side. A 5-1 win for the girls had put us in a healthy position to avoid the bottom two places with some great finishing. Billie Auzins (16.26) earned her second Lady of the Match award in as many months and Helen Cullip (15.36) sealed an emphatic victory.

It all went wrong in the Mens B though, as Glamorgan ran out 10-2 winners after a catalogue of matches in which Surrey men contrived, in point after point, to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Keith Williams (23.43) took Man of the Match, with only Wayne Thurlow (21.42) managing to add another point for Surrey. By the time the jaded teams finished at 7:30pm (yes, you read that right!), a staggering 8 of the Mens B clashes had gone to 5 legs, with Glamorgan winning 7 of them in a display of nerve that had the hosts reeling.

To pull a four point deficit back against a County with such an intimidating A side would be impossible wouldn’t it? Not so, it seems. The Ladies, as has been usual in recent years, were instrumental in keeping Surrey in the match, as the A side won 4-2. Apylee Jones (23.12) won yet another Lady of the Match award, prompting Mens Team Manager Tony Cartwright to comment “Her garage must be full by now!”. Apylee was ably assisted by Chrissy Skehan (21.78) (pictured left) and Sharon Cullip (16.93) who came from behind to finish 91 & 140 in the final two legs & take the victory in her single, and of course, the Ladies match as a whole.

Still two points behind, it was going to take a super-human effort from the Mens A to overcome a Glamorgan A that boasted 5 internationals on the day, but what came next was a dream for Surrey on the scale of the one I had about Emma Bunton, a whisk and a can of squirty cream the night before … err … maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Andy Gillam (27.61) pulled out a quality game of which we have always known he was capable to beat the fearsome Wayne Davies, and he was followed up by ex-bomb disposal expert, Captain Jason Kelly (28.36) who cut the red wire at just the right time to explode all over the very dangerous Tony Bradley. This seemed to be a body blow for the away side, who then collapsed to allow Surrey a 5-0 lead before Keirion Carter hit back for the Welsh dragons.

Spike Harris (28.28) ensured a Mens A draw with a superb win over the hugely experienced Steve Gillet but Glamorgan were stirring and starting to pick up points alarmingly. However, the Surrey players didn’t buckle and Neville Wright (31.60) (pictured left) showed immense character to take the Man of the Match award before Mark Tiller (26.01) hammered in a 180 in his final leg to nail a miraculous weekend victory for Surrey and chip in a very precious 3 bonus points towards the County’s Division 1 survival fund.

That winning feeling was back! The gloom of mid-season had been lifted. Players talked long into the bright spring evening. “What a result!”, they exclaimed, “We’ve got to build on this” they observed, “How does that Wayne Williams talk so fast?” they enquired, “How are we going to pay for Bucks?” they pondered … “Let’s sell Benson to medical research!” came the predictable response.

Missing Inaction

The Surrey Column has been missing from the pages of Darts World for a few months (what do you mean, you didn’t notice?), and it has come to my attention that there has been much consternation in certain circles. It has led to questions being asked in parliament … well, on the Superstars of Darts forum anyway, so perhaps a truthful explanation is in order.

It all began when the Surrey Column writing team had finished attending the incredible Jimmy Mann debut at the PDC World Championships at Purfleet. Jimmy’s stunning but cruelly unsuccessful display against Terry Jenkins was the excuse for a great day out for fans of Surrey, leading to some frenzied support for the North Cheam man. Once the match had ended, the Surrey correspondence team adjourned to the car park for the journey home, only to be kidnapped by ruthless gang-masters who forced them into hard labour doing the most awful of jobs, yes, that’s right, building Barratt starter homes in Essex!

After a month of misery, the team saw their chance of escape. As their evil oppressor was admiring their handiwork on the ‘economy 7 heating’ & ‘modern fully fitted kitchen’, they slipped through the ‘much sought after double aspect uPVC windows’, traversed the ‘lovingly landscaped garden’ and slipped past the overly made-up woman in the show home, to freedom.

Or so they thought. Sadly, they hitched a lift with a vindictive hypnotist, who convinced them that they were in fact cheesy 1980’s tribute singers engaged on a UK tour. After a few months of belting out Roxette in Rochester, Bucks Fizz in Brighton, Haircut 100 in Harwich & Dollar in Derby, they finally snapped out of their trance whilst doing a gig at the Comrades Social Club in Chipping Ongar. Seeing their predicament, they held off the crowd with a couple of verses of “Don’t Turn Around” by Aswad and headed for the M25 still clutching a bottle of Bezique and a Rubik Cube that had been given to them by an adoring fan.

They finally arrived back in Surrey in time for the Glamorgan match, only to find out that the team had already collapsed in Cumbria & muddled through in Middlesex, that a teetotal Dutch youngster with a chin-piercing was BDO World Champion, and that smoking was to be banned everywhere except in the potting shed of a plasterer in Milton Keynes!

But you tell that to the youth of today … and they won’t believe you!

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