SURREY DARTS

by Martin Cullip 

As appearing in the August Issue of Dart World

That Was The (Surrey) Year That Was!

As the famous Philosopher, Sociologist & Rock Star, Eddie Cochrane, once wrote: “There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues”, especially for darts players as there aren’t a lot of grass roots competitive events going on at this time of year.

Surrey’s Summer Super League is just over the halfway mark (see further down), but is treated more of a social evening, with a chance to see all the players under one roof each week of the 16 week season, and most local Leagues are run along the same lines. It’s hard not to treat these as anything but ‘friendly’ leagues, as most of us, at some time during the season, will be busy packing the knotted hankies & sun cream for the annual jaunt to the Sun.

The PDC also take their ‘holiday’ in Vegas at this time of year, whilst the BDO have a few far-flung Opens sandwiching a nice summer weekend at Brean Sands.

“Summertime … and the living is eeeeasy!”. Indeed; but not if you’re trying to write an article for Darts World on the happenings in Surrey darts! In view of this, I have decided to claim half of this month’s column as my summer break and have instead reproduced a BBC News24 article, aired last week, that may have escaped your attention … see you when I get back!

Anna Ford: So that’s the weather for the weekend, now for some news of the social event of the year, we go live to our entertainment correspondent Julia Nosy-Parker. Julia, it’s been a big night in Epsom tonight apparently.

JNP: Yes Anna, I’m here at Epsom British Legion for the ‘Surrey Darts Review of the Year awards’, sponsored by ‘the Surrey Column’, and what a glamorous sight it was when the limousines arrived earlier in front of a crowd of disinterested kids who just happened to be passing by.

AF: So who were the winners in the style department as they stepped onto the red carpet Julia?

JNP: Well, it wasn’t so much a red carpet as a dingy brown one with fag burns, but one of the first to arrive was Guildford’s Alan Crook, who astounded everyone in his skin-tight lycra leotard & dayglo orange Nike trainers from his vast collection of dodgy shoes. The Ladies all looked great, with outfits by top designers such as Dorothy Perkins, BHS & Oxfam amongst others, but the biggest gasps of the night came for Mens Team Manager Keith Benson, who was wheeled in by his nurse, resplendent in a brand new diamante-encrusted bathchair blanket. Truly Stunning!

AF: So, on to the awards, any surprises?

JNP: Indeed there were, Anna, the biggest of which was the “Cristiano Ronaldo award for humiliating yourself to the delight of others”. You may remember that Redhill’s Tom Eley has won this for the last 5 years, but tonight, Andy Evans of Sutton was honoured instead for his classic ‘tripping over the oche & falling off of the stage’ performance during his Super League match with Dave Askew, ironically whilst Eley was at the same venue. It was a magical moment in Surrey’s year & he was justly rewarded. The clincher for the judges was his witty remark to Askew that “I did that to put you off”, to which Askew replied by finishing 148 with his next throw & quipping “I did THAT to put YOU off!”. A memorable moment indeed.

AF: What of the other awards?

JNP: Well, the “Too Many Cooks award” went to Sharon Cullip, Helen Cullip, Gill Shephard, Tania Blake & Julie Austin for their karaoke performance in Norfolk. As the judges observed, “if you can’t sing a note on your own, do you really expect it’s going to sound like anything more than squawking if you attempt an Abba song together?”. Jon Stephenson was also honoured with the “Silvikrin Award for hair that stood firm under severe opponent pressure”

AF: Newcomer James Turner was widely tipped to win the best newcomer award, were the rumours accurate?

JNP: Indeed they were, Anna, it was Surrey’s worst kept secret that he was going to get something for his impromptu strip down to a pair of Superman briefs in Cumbria. A pretty gruesome way to get noticed from the youngster, but it seems in today’s cut-throat World, players don’t necessarily rely on their darting ability to get noticed, and “Alfie” certainly hasn’t done that!

AF: What of the rest of the awards?

JNP: Well, Anna, Roger Kitching of Badshot Lea won the “Grease Monkey of the year award” for fixing a minibus fuel line with his bare hands on the way to Norfolk. He went one better than Paul Hollis, who you may remember performed the same feat last year with the coach to Lancashire, but Paul needed the help of a hairclip, Roger went for the ‘no tools’ approach & it’s paid dividends for him tonight. Stage Manager Paul Cook of Croydon won the “Post-match entertainment award” for his ludicrous solo crooning of the Celtic standard “The Fields of Athenry” from the stage after the Final home match of the season against Sussex, amazingly, he was also nominated twice more for his other atrocious performances of the same song after the Suffolk & Berkshire games.

AF: There was a tinge of sadness in the proceedings too though, we understand.

JNP: Yes, the presenters issued a heartfelt plea for any knowledge of the whereabouts of Barrie “Incredible Bulk” Cox, who disappeared mysteriously from the Super League after an awful first match of the season. The Surrey players that I spoke to were concerned for his well-being & all seem to miss his West Ham wardrobe & tremendous pie-eating abilities. However, the night ended with a much-deserved presentation as Keith Benson was honoured with a “Lifetime Achievement Award” for the achievement of having such a very long life!

AF: Sounds like a great night, Julia, I hope you enjoy the after-show parties that will no doubt last way into the small hours.

JNP: That’s right, Anna, I’m heading off to the Ladies A Team party now, where I understand they’ve already started popping the Lambrini plastic corks. With this in mind, I’ll hopefully have news of some possible embarrassing nominations for next year, in time for BBC Breakfast News tomorrow.

AF: Thanks for that Julia. Now, it’s back to the breaking news about that three-headed badger in Kent …

Who Shocked JR?

The supremely popular Surrey Summer Super League has, as I write, just completed the 9th week of the 16 week schedule, and it has to be said that one player above all others has been incredibly successful.

Phil Taylor may be called “The Power”, but Jason “JR” Roberts must have had 10,000 volts pumped through him judging from his performances so far. The question, then, must surely be … who shocked JR? (Yes, I know it’s lame, but what do you expect in darts’ silly season?)

Jason plays for the “Top Four” side who comprise some of the players that lifted the Winter League Crown, and out of a possible 36 singles matches, he’s dropped just the one thus far, which takes some doing when you consider that the format is only best of three, and that he is crossing swords 4 times a night with the best darters that Surrey has to offer … and Mick Lyford.

JR’s success hasn’t helped his side to the pinnacle though, as the leaders are Croydon players Richie Blake, Gary Creamer, Ray Smith & Gary Bullen. I would have liked to mention their team name, but as it refers to certain aspects of canine genitalia, it’s probably not a good idea.

They lead by a single point at the moment from the “You’re ‘Aving a Laugh” side who snatched the Title on the final match of the season last year, so the leaders are far from home & dry, but with a win over their rivals already in the bag, they’ll be feeling as confident as Portugal were against Greece in the Euro Final … OK, maybe not a good comparison!

This is the first summer campaign that has had the advantage of being featured on Surrey’s web-site, so if you want an up-to-date assessment of each team’s chances, along with player performance tables, they are all available at www.toe-the-oche.co.uk

Kingston Success for ‘St’ Bruno

Belated congratulations must go to Bruno Williams, who has just completed his first season in charge of the Kingston Darts League, and a fine job he did too!

Bruno brought Kingston’s finest to Surrey’s home venue, Epsom British Legion, for Finals Night and, aided by a few carefully planned outfits, staged a show that was worthy of any league! Having greeted the players on their arrival in a red hand-knitted jumper with a dartboard on the front (he just KNEW he’d find a use for that unwanted Christmas present!), he deftly changed into a t-shirt bearing a tuxedo print in time for his stint as MC for the on-stage Finals. With pre-printed running order sheets at every table & hors d’oeuvres strategically placed amongst the attendees (well, peanuts actually, but we ARE talking about the ROYAL Borough of Kingston here), the climax of the season couldn’t have been more convivial.

The major prizes of the Singles Title & the Marathon (1001) Singles Crown went to TJ Hardy & Alex Ralph respectively, but the winner was undoubtedly Kingston’s league, as Bruno rounded off his first campaign in charge with a night to remember.

It’s great to see Local Leagues implementing new ideas to create interest & perhaps encourage new players into the game, so St Bruno should be roundly applauded for the effort he’s expended. Carlsberg don’t DO Finals Nights, but if they did … they’d get Bruno to organise them!

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot …

The over-riding memory most Surrey players will have of the Sheppey Classic II must surely be their time in the now notorious ‘Tent’.

To paraphrase Rupert Brooke, “If I should go out in the Prelim, think only this of me, there’s a corner of a foreign marquee, that will be forever Surrey”, as almost all of our representatives at Caroline Sams’ superbly organised event, were drawn to play in an annexe that sucked in the sun’s rays on one of the warmest days of the year, most of them, unfortunately, in the same corner.

However, it didn’t seem to bother them much as Surrey’s representatives had a fair amount of success, especially Anthony Hopkins, who won the youth competition for the second year running, beating the same Sheppey-based finalist as he did last year.

Richie Blake also had a superb tournament, taking out the in-form Andy Jenkins before bowing out in the last 16, but with two PDC ranking points safely stashed away to add to the two he was to earn at the Matchplay play-offs in Hull.

You’ve got to feel for Andy Gillam & Garry Bravery though, who travelled to Sheppey together & shared a room in the Abbey Hotel. After reaching the Final of the pairs on the Saturday, they were horrified to see, when the draw was posted early in the evening, that they were paired together in the very first Prelim in the Singles on the Sunday! As it was £20 to enter, Garry took the professional approach & abstained from most of the beer-taking on the Saturday night, Andy was more liberal with his intake. Andy had a ball on the Saturday night, Garry didn’t really enjoy himself. But when they met on the dartboard? … Andy had a ball & Garry didn’t enjoy himself!