SURREY DARTS

December 2003 - by Martin Cullip 

Norfolk Jackpot for the Surrey Travelling Show

ROLL UP! ROLL UP! Come see the salubrious! The salacious! The stupendous! & the downright strange! I proudly present the Surrey Travelling Show! It’s all the fun of the Fair!

The venue for this month’s antics was Norfolk as our collection of oddities & outcasts turned up at the curious, quaint & somewhat surreal atmosphere of Beach Road, Hemsby in a collection of hastily convened Taxis after the mini-coach from Tolworth did it’s best impression of a Circus Clown’s car & jettisoned it’s fuel in a 10 mile trail before reaching Great Yarmouth, where the doors fell off & the bonnet shot ten feet in the air in a puff of smoke! (Ok I’m kidding about the last bit)

The journey could well be described as amusing as we trundled along the A143 leaving a neat line of diesel behind us which the driver (complete with red nose & giant shoes) could feasibly have used as a guide back home on the Sunday.

But, let’s face it, if that was amusing, it was in keeping with the traditions of this part of the country, as Great Yarmouth has built a reputation as one of the great British seaside resorts & the venue a few miles down the road in Hemsby has it’s own array of Amusement Arcades, Candy Floss stalls & Souvenir shops. In fact, for those that haven’t visited the Norfolk venue (MB’s Leisure Bar), it is situated right in the middle of said attractions & is as delightful and outlandish a County venue as you’re ever likely to find in the Inter-Counties Championships.

The throw itself was equally as unusual, with the hall that Norfolk play their home matches once being an amusement arcade itself & still retaining a few of the fixtures & fittings, and so it was that the match took place with the players entering the very innovative stage set-up through an archway that heralded their arrival with ‘Casino’ written above their heads on a red neon sign.

It was quite apt then, that Surrey’s quirky band of travelling players hit the Inter-County Jackpot with a weekend victory that puts us top of the Division 1 table by a point over second-placed Buckinghamshire … but then if ever a venue has suited Surrey it was this one as our team ‘freak show’ is well in keeping with the fun-at-all-costs ethos of the area.

Just look at the cast of characters & you wouldn’t hesitate to hand over some of your hard-earned ‘folding’ for a weekend of enthralment & hilarity! Thrill to the sight of half-man, half-ape Andy Gillam! Be astounded by the Garry Bravery identical twins who can win in the B & then in the A (you never see them together in the same room do you?)! Experience the little & the large with gnome-like Roger Kitching playing alongside resident strongman Keith ‘Barrier’ Holmes. I would say that we’ve got a bearded lady or two, but I fear a Gillette Blue Two being inserted somewhere uncomfortable so I’ll leave that for now … maybe Phil Smith can fill that role in the future you never know (see further down).

As the chill wind rolled off the North Sea & whistled round the building, the Ladies B began the match to the tones of a referee who had the delivery of a sea-front bingo caller, the only surprise being that he didn’t call ‘clickety-click’ when the girls hit 66. Perhaps in this corner of England, he really HAS performed the task of pulling the numbered bouncing balls from the machine in the past, but it was the home side that warmed to his calming voice first as they took an early lead with great darts from Sam Petchey & Lady of the Match Ruth Katra (20.59). Angela Frewin (15.18) opened Surrey’s account, whilst Julie Austin (18.74) took the only other point in the contest & consequently the Surrey Lady of the Match. A 2-4 loss was probably on the cards as we fielded two first-timers in Tracy Lawrence & Jane Johnson to cover for players absent through illness, a scoreline that the Mens B ‘one-armed bandits’ rectified with aplomb.

Whilst Jonny Wilkinson was kicking England to victory against South Africa in the rugby, Garry Bravery (24.24) was converting the first of his two points of the weekend as he gained his first ever Man of the Match to start the Mens B game in positive style for Surrey & earn himself an A Team starting place. Tony Denman (24.18) & John Skehan (23.12) also won well as the B side were 8-4 winners in a successful Saturday for the visiting County. Special mention must also go to Andy ‘Bigfoot’ Gillam, who, just like a dogged arcade junkie that refuses to leave the machine till he’s mashed the Martians, won his first match in 11 starts to enthusiastic congratulations from his team-mates … just another year to go & he may win his second!

The Sunday was a carbon copy of the Saturday at the ‘Casino Royale’ oche as the Ladies A lost 2-4 whilst the Men played their cards right for an 8-4 success.

The draw that everyone wanted to see in the Ladies A was Dawn Standley against Apylee Jones, but the two World Class players avoided each other by a whisker, with Norfolk’s Dawn taking Lady of the Match in the fourth game (21.78), only to be followed by Apylee doing the same for Surrey with a Division 1 best of 25.05 in the next. Both teams were strong, but only Chrissy Skehan (22.43) could add another point for Surrey after Martine Russell (19.20) had ironically thrown her game away by missing doubles after having nailed a superb 160 checkout in the first leg against Sandra Page.

So the match was level & it was all up to the Mens A to decide the weekend’s honours one way or the other. To see the players in various establishments along the road during the day, dropping the cuddly toys from the grab machine & hopelessly failing to whack plastic frogs that popped their irritating heads up from seafront machines, you wouldn’t have had much confidence in a Surrey win, especially with an A team that was shorn of top performers such as Dave Askew, Matt Clark & Richie Blake amongst others.

However, the makeshift team did our County proud & called ‘House’ on the Norfolk first string to continue our bright start in Division 1.

One of the undoubted heroes was Peter Arnold (23.76), who had booked a Saturday return flight to Northumberland for the November match whilst still a B team player. His booking would prove to be obsolete if he were to win his match with BDO rules stating that he can’t be dropped to the B as a winner in Hemsby, but his professionalism was second to none as he won the first point of the match, without regard to the fact that the financial cost to him would be great, and this proved to be a catalyst for a fine victory for the away team.

Paul Watson (27.44) confirmed his new A team status with a deserved Man of the Match before Garry Bravery (25.24) also upped his game well to win his second Surrey point of the fixture. Surrey Manager Keith Benson (26.37) enjoyed a whitewash against the useful Neil Bunten, and whilst Gary Creamer (28.38) lost a fine match that he could well have won, it was more than cancelled out by Roger Kitching (21.97) who managed to win a game that even the most enthusiastic of gamblers would have thought impossible … perhaps Roger is one man who should spend MORE time at the Roulette table if his good fortune in this match is anything to go by! Still, they all count & two wins out of two BICC matches for Surrey saw the players return to the (now repaired) transport home, knotted hankies on heads & clutching bag fulls of Yarmouth rock for the kids, content to be driven home by a driver sporting a lapel pin in the shape of a flower that squirted water!

After last season’s many disappointments, this year has been rewarding. We’ve all played those machines where you keep pumping 2p’s into the slot hoping for a bunch of them to be pushed off the end, well, last year we never received a decent payout, but keep pushing & that juicy stack at the front has simply GOT to fall. The coins are now falling for Surrey, which gives a great buzz & is undoubtedly the feeling that keeps us coming back for more. Of course, you just KNOW that you’re still going to lose money at the end of the day … but wasn’t that always the case with County darts?

Beware the Jelly Men?

The bracing Norfolk air must have been just too much for one of the Surrey entourage, as some strange hallucinations were flying through Tracy Lawrence’s head on her stage debut for Surrey’s Ladies B.

Tracy acquitted herself well & scored competently on Norfolk’s ingenious County oche, but seemed to lose herself whenever she was faced with a checkout opportunity.

Cornering the young lady after the Ladies B match, it was clear from her explanation that it wasn’t she that was so bad at converting legs into winning ones … it was all the fault of ‘The Jelly Men’!

“I was OK during the match & felt no nerves” gushed the Surrey girl, “but once I got near a finish, the Jelly Men took over & I started to wobble all over the place!”

Now as a darts aficionado, I’ve heard a few spaced out excuses before, but blaming a loss on the ‘Jelly Men’ is one that is not just pie-in-the-sky, but surely out of orbit & on its way to Pluto!

Much as I’d like to believe that some sort of Bassets confectionery creation was responsible for Tracy’s defeat, it seems more likely that our erstwhile Sub was influenced in her words by a lethal combination of the awe of playing her first County game coupled with an awesome amount of Bacardi Breezers to calm her nerves!

She’s probably forgotten her ramblings already, so let this issue of Darts World prove to be a tangible & permanent reminder of that momentous day … long may she live to regret it hehe.

Voice of a (Hell’s) Angel

One of the advantages of playing by the seaside is the plethora of easy-to-reach quality establishments available along the promenade. There are many such refined places to spend a Saturday night in Yarmouth … but Surrey avoided them all & went to a karaoke bar instead!

The poor locals didn’t know what hit them as the entire Surrey contingent descended on the ‘Poets Bar’ on the seafront & took over the proceedings for the night.

After a couple of dodgy “Abba’s” & a truly awful “Meat Loaf” which had the local pet dogs howling further along the street, up stepped Carl Ramsey & all expected the worst.

Surrey B player Carl had won his game earlier in the day & was in the mood for a bit of a sing song. The man with the frame of a true dart player & the face of a rugby prop forward (complete with cauliflower ear & dented teeth) then proceeded to stun the assembled crowd with a perfect rendition of Ronan Keating’s ballad “When you Say Nothing at All”!

It was akin to hearing Frankenstein crooning ‘Ave Maria’ as Carl’s perfect voice rang out around the earthy décor & the performance was met with an ovation of which Pavarotti would have been proud. ‘Ramjet’ was to perform more that night, but his first song will go down as one of those legendary moments to be talked about for years … like the time that Team Manager Benson bought a round in 1986!

He IS the Weakest Link

One of the most bizarre sights of the weekend was a priceless moment when it was confirmed that Guildford player Phil Smith was truly as odd as we have all suspected!

As the majority of the Surrey squad & supporters arrived back to the hotel on the Saturday night, they were met with the horrific sight of Mr Smith wearing his girlfriend’s clothes in the Hotel bar!

Now, if you know the Surrey personnel, you will realise that this sort of behaviour is not unusual (after all, Surrey IS commuter belt News of the World fodder & dart players are no exception when it comes to such weird fetishes), but what was so surprising was the startling resemblance Phil bore to Ann Robinson … once dressed in a pink chenille jumper & stern glasses of course!

With some of his County performances over the years, there are many who wished that we could have said “Phil you ARE the weakest link, Goodbye!” a long time ago.

The Deta Heat’ll Beat Ya’

Lastly this month, I made a vow to his wife that I wouldn’t reveal on these pages which of the Surrey based PDC members lost to a woman in the UK Open in Dublin!

If I told you, I would have been ‘Lion’ to her so it must remain secret if it’s all the Sams to you. Apparently, he scored well but just couldn’t get a-Hed-man!