He ended up in Sutton in Surrey after falling asleep in an empty train carriage in which he had hoped to find some warmth, only to alight & be adopted by a family who, still to this day, avoid shame by claiming him to be “The Milkman’s”.

The young Martin’s love of Darts was cultivated at the very time that he was at his lowest ebb. He regularly used to gather food for the family by throwing nails at passing pigeons & once claimed a nine-bird finish for which he was rewarded by his adopted family with a night at Wimbledon dogs … as the Hare!

Of course, things could only get better for Martin & he finally found his Princess in the form of a former ‘Miss Epsom Refuse Collection Girl of the Year’. She married him & then, unfortunately, ran off with a one-legged Chorus Girl from the cast of ‘Les Miserables’.

In 1991, Martin hooked up with Surrey Darts & has been in or around the scene ever since. Despite many assassination attempts, he is still going strong & is still hoping to reach his 40th birthday with at least 3 limbs & one eye still intact. He is currently employed as a head-massager to a company of mind-readers, which doesn’t bring in much money, but he is hoping to expand his expertise to servicing the muscular massage needs of Baby Spice Emma Bunton … he’s written several letters & made many phone calls, but, apart from a couple of Court Exclusion Orders, has received nothing concrete yet by the way of job offers. He remains hopeful.

Martin’s hobbies are The Cranberries, AFC Wimbledon & running across all eight lanes of the M25 at junction 8 dressed only in a Basque & a pair of Pretty Polly 15 denier stockings. He has two sisters who declined to be interviewed for this profile, their explanation being “Martin WHO?”